Julie’s Story

Julie* currently supports her daughter through mental health challenges, and her brother who has learning difficulties. Here is Julie’s story:

“I heard about Carers in Hertfordshire a number of years ago when a close family member was suffering from a life limiting condition. The charity was an absolute lifeline.

Since my parents passed away, I have taken over caring for my brother who lives in a care home as he has severe learning difficulties and autism. I turned to Carers in Hertfordshire and received all the information I needed about care homes, funding, deputyship and Power of Attorney.

However, the caring role which I find most challenging is that of my adult daughter. When she left home for university, things started to unravel for her and it became apparent that she was suffering from mental illness. I found, and still find, it challenging to advocate for my daughter when she is an adult and so nobody will share any information with me. In the end, the only way she could get help was under the Mental Health Act and she was sectioned. There is such a taboo around mental illness that I find it hard to speak with family and friends. Things deteriorated further and my daughter started using drugs. Such is the stigma around this, I cannot talk to anyone about it. I felt quite alone and isolated.

Again, I turned to Carers in Hertfordshire and attended as many courses and information sessions as I could, finding out about Carers Assessments, your rights as a carer to input into medical assessments, and so many more things which gave me the information I needed to fight for my daughter. And it was not just one fight, we live between two health authorities and I was pushed between them. I had to fight to get any support for her and even that which was given has not been sufficient for her to recover. I brought her home from her university city in the end. However, the delays in getting her mental health support, despite my best efforts on her behalf, led to a much worsening of her condition and then the paranoia, which ultimately led to her not feeling safe at home anymore, running away, and calling the police.

One of the lovely Carer Engagement Workers spent so much time listening to me vent or cry without any judgement. Not only that but access to my local hub has been a lifeline. I can talk to people there about my concerns, my feelings and pretty much anything. Unfortunately, my daughter’s mental health has deteriorated further and she is now suffering from psychosis such that she thinks everyone is trying to kill her. She will not come near me but texts constantly with her thoughts, feelings, fears, worries and a lot of these messages are quite disturbing.

This leads me to another thing I have learned from my interactions with Carers in Hertfordshire: the knowledge that it is ok for me to have boundaries. I am only human and I have to protect my own wellbeing as well as caring for others. When my daughter phones me repeatedly through the night, I allow myself to answer once and then, after establishing  she is not in danger, ignore the calls. I can set aside time when I will read her messages rather than constantly being available to her, as I was beginning to feel on the edge of a deep depression.

I am learning to come to terms with the dreams I had for her being shattered. One of the things which really helps this is the wellbeing sessions run by Carers in Hertfordshire, and it is absolutely wonderful to be able to go somewhere and switch off for a few hours.”

* The carer’s name has been changed as requested.